New Year's Resolutions and Memories

        This is the time of year when people are winding down after a long, hard 2011 and buckling up for the roller coaster ride 2012 will be. It is a time for people to reflect on the last 365 days and make a list of how they will try to make the next 365 days better. Resolutions are a great way for people to feel like they put some effort towards trying to be a better person, knowing that they will never stick to these plans for improvement.
        I rarely make a list of resolutions. If I did, they would be unattainable, impractical, unrealistic, or just plain obvious. I'm happy with who I am--what could I possibly change? I guess I could always try to be nicer to my sister. But why does that need to be a New Year's resolution?
        This year, instead of resolutions, I made a sort of a bucket list; or as my family calls it, "The Bucket List for a Basket Case" (Thanks, guys). Really, it's more of a "Things-to-do-before-I-leave-for-college-out-of-state List." It's a mix of nostalgia (going to places full of childhood memories) and going to places I had never heard of before I Googled my own city yesterday. It's got crazy, random, silly things to do (like playing flashlight tag with my friends late at night) and serious tasks (raise money for a charity). I'm also determined to make a scrapbook to document all of my adventures. So far, I have several pages finished--Homecoming, my church's Christmas Tea, having fun in the park with my friend... I'm excited for what other memories will be put inside the book.
        I think that is what makes the end of the year so special: the memories. The reminiscing. I'm not saying you can't reminisce any other time of the year, but there's something different about New Year's. It seems like everyone is looking back; the memories are nearly tangible. Even if 2011 was a tough year, it is good to look back and say Wow, I actually survived that. If the year was amazing, it gives a sense of hope that next year could be even better. Or, if your year was like mine and was up and down and all over the place and you're just plain exhausted, you can say I am so done with 2011 and am ready for a new beginning.
        If you could describe in one word how you feel about the upcoming year, what word would it be? Anxious? Excited? Worried? Ready? I would use the word hopeful. I can't think of any other word to describe my emotions. As rough as 2011 was, I have hope that 2012 will be better. Although I don't know God's precise plans for my life, I have hope knowing He has plans for me. I am hopeful for all the big events coming up this year: eighteenth birthday, high school graduation, moving away for college... But even more important than these "big events" are the small things that happen each and every day, the seemingly insignificant moments that turn out to be truly precious.
        One year ago, to the day, I decided to start this blog. I wasn't sure what would happen, what I would write about, or if people would actually read it. It was finally in June (specifically, my post on Red Rock Canyon) that I realized the true purpose of my blog. As I wrote in that post, "I don't really have a life-lesson to make from this, but it was fun to reminisce on a small yet joyful event. I guess maybe that's the point-- Finding the small moments of life that are insignificant yet oh so very significant, the moments that don't last long but make a lasting impression." I hope that in the new year, you will learn to celebrate these tiny moments with newfound joy.


 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
                  Jeremiah 29:11

Spears in the Heart (visions)

        Let me just say this: The last couple weeks have been very draining. I have had a lot of stress from school (thank goodness I'm on break for two weeks), social situations (people can be so irritating), and family (can't live with them, can't live without them). I finally had a complete breakdown today when my dad and I had a huge fight over something pathetic (like cleaning up the house).
        I have been feeling annoyed with my dad for quite some time, but I finally snapped. It seems that he is either too absent or too controlling. We never see anything eye to eye. It seems like he is at work, on the computer playing a stupid game, watching TV, or asleep. When he's awake he's too tired to spend time with my sister or me. I'm not proud of how I acted today. I overreacted and shouldn't have raised my voice at him. I'm just glad that I didn't run out of the house like I was really tempted to do.
        My sister and I did eventually leave the house in a frenzy, tears streaming down my face. I wound up at my friend's house for a Christmas get-together. I was supposed to be picked up at nine, but I decided to just stay overnight. I really didn't want to go home.
        At midnight, my friend (Shari) and I had a heart to heart. I was a mess. I know that I need to be thankful I have a dad in the first place. I know that the family I have now is the only family I will ever have, so I need to make the most of it. It's hard though.
        Shari began to pray for me and she had a vision. She saw words piercing my heart like spears, stabbing all the way through my heart, leaving holes. As she was saying this, I started to feel like I wasn't letting the wounds heal properly, as if I was letting it fester and be more painful than ever. We continued to pray, believing God would give me the patience and grace I need to have for my family.
        We turned off the lights and were listening to worship music. Songs like Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards (I wrote about this song), Embrace by Jake Hamilton, Oh You Bring by Hillsong United... They seemed to carry a common message about God's love...
        As I was laying there in the dark, I saw a knife come down from the ceiling and plunge into my heart. I sat there, almost in awe. It was like Shari's vision but so much more vivid and personal. The knife began to grow, becoming more like a sword. I tried and tried to pull out the sword from my own heart, but could not. I felt the pain of words spoken to me, the pain of a broken relationship with my father and with my sister... Then I saw a hand stretch down from heaven and pull the sword out of my heart and heal the wound completely. A scar was left behind, but there was no wound and no more pain. It reminded me of The Sword in the Stone, the story in which the person who pulled the sword out of the stone became king. My visions seemed to show that the King of all could pull the sword from my heart.
        I guess this can apply to all people... When we hear people speaking negative things to us, we can choose to ignore or to listen. The words they speak can be planted in our hearts as weeds and wounds that fester, or as seeds that sprout into beauty and grace. Which words will you take to heart? How will you respond to negativity?
        The hardest thing is forgiveness... I always ask God for forgiveness, but I'm reluctant to forgive others, especially family. If Dad ever reads this: I'm sorry for the times I have been disrespectful to you. I know that you're not perfect, but you don't have to be. God is my perfect Father, and that's what matters most. I forgive you. Will you forgive me?
        This conversation will be so much harder in person... Will I ever get the chance to speak this to you or will I never get around to it? Who knows?
        For now, I find comfort knowing that God is my Father in heaven, loving me, loving me, and loving me even more. Whatever my earthly dad can't do, He can do perfectly. He alone can heal the wounds in my heart and give me the peace I need.
        I encourage you to find what has injured your heart and pray for your Father to remove the pain and the wound.

The Painting

Back in March, I posted a story titled "Paintings of Jesus." On Thanksgiving, I was able to take a picture of the painting that was so important to me so that I could share it with you...

Lightning and God's Spirit

        I have a heart for people--I want to help, I want to love. I just have a hard time putting myself out there. It's not because I don't know how--I don't know where to begin.

        I want to be the lightning--
                unpredictable;
        There is no beginning or end--
                it just happens.
        It doesn't think where it will go--
                it just goes.
        But lightning is fleeting;
                it never has a lasting effect.
        Does anything on earth last?
                Everything is but a breath--
        A peal of thunder--
                it rolls for moments, then
                        disappears...

        Since life is so brief, I want so much more to impact the people around me. It seems like an impossibility to touch people's hearts, so I find comfort in the words of Zechariah 4:6. "Then he said to me, 'This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel saying, "Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit," says the LORD of hosts.'" I looked up what the Hebrew word for Spirit meant in this context, and found that it means "wind, breath, mind, courage, blast." It usually imparts warlike energy and executive and administrative power.
        I know that I can do nothing to make someone believe. I can only trust God to work in each person's heart. Too often, I find myself like Martha., "As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She has a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!' 'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.'" (Luke 10:38-42).
        I need to stop doing, and start being. I, like, Martha get caught up in the preparations. I think "if I say this and this, maybe a person might come to know Christ." I think about all the ways I can try to convince someone to believe the same as me. The truth of it is if someone can be talked into something, they can just as easily be talked out of it. Becoming a Christian isn't following a series of steps and processes and then getting a "Salvation Certificate." It is stepping into God's presence, and being in an intimate relationship with God Almighty, knowing that He has saved you from the death you deserve, instead giving you eternal life with Him. Likewise, being a Christian is not about realizing you love God but realizing God loves you. It is realizing that God is near enough to you to hear the faintest whisper of a thought in your heart.
        When I come into conversation with someone who is not a Christian, I don't pray "God, give me the words to speak to them so they can know you," like I used to pray. Instead, I pray "God, let your presence be upon me so this person can feel your presence." God's Spirit is the most powerful force, so why--and how--do we forget His importance?