Let me just say this: The last couple weeks have been very draining. I have had a lot of stress from school (thank goodness I'm on break for two weeks), social situations (people can be so irritating), and family (can't live with them, can't live without them). I finally had a complete breakdown today when my dad and I had a huge fight over something pathetic (like cleaning up the house).
I have been feeling annoyed with my dad for quite some time, but I finally snapped. It seems that he is either too absent or too controlling. We never see anything eye to eye. It seems like he is at work, on the computer playing a stupid game, watching TV, or asleep. When he's awake he's too tired to spend time with my sister or me. I'm not proud of how I acted today. I overreacted and shouldn't have raised my voice at him. I'm just glad that I didn't run out of the house like I was really tempted to do.
My sister and I did eventually leave the house in a frenzy, tears streaming down my face. I wound up at my friend's house for a Christmas get-together. I was supposed to be picked up at nine, but I decided to just stay overnight. I really didn't want to go home.
At midnight, my friend (Shari) and I had a heart to heart. I was a mess. I know that I need to be thankful I have a dad in the first place. I know that the family I have now is the only family I will ever have, so I need to make the most of it. It's hard though.
Shari began to pray for me and she had a vision. She saw words piercing my heart like spears, stabbing all the way through my heart, leaving holes. As she was saying this, I started to feel like I wasn't letting the wounds heal properly, as if I was letting it fester and be more painful than ever. We continued to pray, believing God would give me the patience and grace I need to have for my family.
We turned off the lights and were listening to worship music. Songs like Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards (I wrote about this song), Embrace by Jake Hamilton, Oh You Bring by Hillsong United... They seemed to carry a common message about God's love...
As I was laying there in the dark, I saw a knife come down from the ceiling and plunge into my heart. I sat there, almost in awe. It was like Shari's vision but so much more vivid and personal. The knife began to grow, becoming more like a sword. I tried and tried to pull out the sword from my own heart, but could not. I felt the pain of words spoken to me, the pain of a broken relationship with my father and with my sister... Then I saw a hand stretch down from heaven and pull the sword out of my heart and heal the wound completely. A scar was left behind, but there was no wound and no more pain. It reminded me of The Sword in the Stone, the story in which the person who pulled the sword out of the stone became king. My visions seemed to show that the King of all could pull the sword from my heart.
I guess this can apply to all people... When we hear people speaking negative things to us, we can choose to ignore or to listen. The words they speak can be planted in our hearts as weeds and wounds that fester, or as seeds that sprout into beauty and grace. Which words will you take to heart? How will you respond to negativity?
The hardest thing is forgiveness... I always ask God for forgiveness, but I'm reluctant to forgive others, especially family. If Dad ever reads this: I'm sorry for the times I have been disrespectful to you. I know that you're not perfect, but you don't have to be. God is my perfect Father, and that's what matters most. I forgive you. Will you forgive me?
This conversation will be so much harder in person... Will I ever get the chance to speak this to you or will I never get around to it? Who knows?
For now, I find comfort knowing that God is my Father in heaven, loving me, loving me, and loving me even more. Whatever my earthly dad can't do, He can do perfectly. He alone can heal the wounds in my heart and give me the peace I need.
I encourage you to find what has injured your heart and pray for your Father to remove the pain and the wound.
No comments:
Post a Comment