It's Better In the Dark

Last night's late-night musings...

       As I lie here in bed in the dark, distracted from sleep by my stomach's incessant complaining, I've had a surprisingly spiritual moment. It's been a surprisingly spiritual night, actually.

       First, I heard the Lord speak clearer than ever--at least recently, anyway--and I obeyed, despite a throbbing migraine and a fear of what could occur. I had a talk with someone I did not want to talk to. Not exactly an enemy, but I sure was treating her like one. Needless to say, it took great humility, courage, and strength that only God could give.

       An hour or so later, I am here trying to answer life's biggest questions because I can't sleep. I started praying. First for myself--my restlessness, my pain. I started whispering to God. I have found in recent times spoken prayers seem to be more effective. If any of my three roommates heard me muttering, they probably figured delirium had finally set in after my rough week.

       As I moved my prayer focus away from me and on to other people, I started discovering questions. Why can I never fall asleep quickly? Because I'm stressed about not sleeping. Go figure. The more I focus on trying to sleep, the less likely it is for me to do so.

       Then came the bigger questions. When will <major life event> occur? When do I get to <hopes and dreams>? What is God's will for my life? That is the scary question. It is easy enough to ask. It is one of the most common questions God hears besides "Why?", I'm sure.

       But that question is the scariest one to have answered. We always want to know the ending. But when we do, we often are disappointed, surprised, or--sometimes--more confused than before. Sometimes, knowing the answers to life's greatest questions isn't the best thing for us. We always want to know why God "hides" things from us, but I feel like it's because He's protecting us from knowing too much. It's kind of related to the question of "If I know this happens in the future, can I do anything to change it?"

       I have been dating this wonderful guy named Andrew for over a year. Of course, the idea of marriage sounds wonderful. I wanted a vision, a word, or some other form of proof that showed me that Andrew and I would be married (soon, hopefully).

       But then I stopped myself and essentially yelled a huge "Never mind!!" at God. I don't want to know. I mean, I want to know that Andrew and I will be together forever. But what if...?

       I'm trusting God now. I'm trusting that He knows when to reveal to me His plans on His timing. For now, I'm better in the dark.

Instruments (Vision)

I had this vision tonight at church at the end of worship and wound up speaking this to my whole youth group. (Thank You, Lord, for giving me the boldness!) I think this applies to pretty much everyone...

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        I see musical instruments sitting on all the chairs in this room. They aren't being played and not making any sound.
        In church, we are told that we are instruments for God to use, that God wants to use us to make a difference.
        In a lot of ways, we are like the musical instruments I saw... An instrument on its own does nothing, makes no sound. To be heard, it must be played.
        I feel like God is saying that we have not been active in our faith. He wants to use you for mighty things, but maybe you've been just sitting around waiting for mighty things to happen to you.
       When we start living our faith out, it is as if God is playing your instrument. You don't have to worry about how you will sound because He will be doing everything for you-- you just have to be willing for Him to use you. Acts 1:8* and Luke 12:11-12** assure us of this.
        And the beautiful thing is that once God is using all of us, it will work together like a symphony.

*Acts 1:8
    But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

**Luke 12:11-12
    When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.

Letter to Dad

A little background... On December 13, I got a call from my number-one-choice college (George Fox University) saying that I was accepted. As I wrote in my journal that day: No smile is big enough, no words profound enough to express my joy. It may sound exaggerated or dramatic, but that is truly how I felt. My dad has traded off between encouraging me and worrying about it (the tuition is quite out of our range). I wrote the following letter and gave it to him yesterday...

Dear Dad,
        I know how hard it must be for you- I'll be going away for college and it will cost a lot of money to do so. I trust God will provide for us. This is the desire of my heart, the desire God placed in my heart, and I know that He will make a way for it to happen.
        I've trusted God with my money by being diligent in my tithing, and I'm sure God will pay me back for my faithfulness. Faith is a hard thing, especially for something as big as the tuition we'll be facing. Hebrews 11:1 says faith "is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." As pastors have told me, faith is not a blind leap but a sure step. I don't know how exactly the tuition will be paid, but I know beyond a doubt God will take care of it.
        Going to George Fox means the world to me. It feels like sometimes you are encouraging me, but at other times you disapprove. Is it because you are worried about the finances? about me? "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22) "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) I don't want to leave for college without your blessing. Please, Dad, increase your faith and believe with me and Mom for everything to work together.
        "Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox come abundant harvests." (Proverbs 14:4) It won't be easy, but with the faith strong like an ox, great things are sure to happen.
Love,
me

Proverbs 16:3
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.

Proverbs 3:3-10
Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
  bind them around your neck,
  write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
  in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
  and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
  and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
  fear the LORD and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
  and nourishment to your bones.
Honor the LORD with your wealth,
  with the firstfruits of all your crops;
then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
  and your vats will brim over with new wine.

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       After reading the letter, my dad came to talk with me. It was closest I've felt to him in ages. For a while we stood in silence, hugging each other. Never before has so much been said in such silence. It seemed to be a moment of him trusting me with my decision for college and trusting God for what will come. Later that night, we stood outside in the dark, watching the sky for the chance of shooting stars. Dad saw some, and I think I saw some (it's hard to say what with the city lights and bright moon). It was a special, bonding moment between us- both of us gazing into heaven, hoping to see a glimpse of glory. You can't look away for a second or you could miss the brilliant one. In the end, Dad decided he would fully support me in my adventure and I can't stop thanking God for this blessing!

The Size of an Ant (vision)

       I see you walking through the grass--you are about the size of an ant. There are other people walking around, also very small. Everyone looks up; you see a giant foot about to come down. People run frantically away, scurrying in every direction, terrified of getting stepped on. You stand still right where you are. You watch as the foot comes down directly in front of you--you narrowly missed it, but others were not so lucky. Something tells you that you would have been squished if you had been running away. The danger passes and you continue to walk. As you walk, you begin to grow. You are taller than the other people, the blades of grass, the flowers... You see the person whose foot you had nearly been stepped on by, and you begin walking quickly and purposely towards him. As you approach him, you realize you are much bigger than he. At first, you couldn't tell it you had grown larger than him or if he was just a smaller person. When you get near to him, you see he is a young child. You reach out and put a hand on his shoulder; he turns, startled and afraid. You smile gently and put your arm around him. You speak to him; he listens intently. I don't know the words you spoke, but I know it has to do with him scaring all the little people. The two of you begin to shrink down to the size you had been before. People come from all over--they recognize this kid as the one who threatened them earlier. You begin to speak and their faces change from being angry to showing compassion. All the people embrace the boy and he becomes a part of the community.

My interpretation:
       You are in a community of people who always fear something bigger than them. This "community" might be a group of friends, acquaintances, maybe even strangers. The constant fear could be of something supernatural or it could be a situation in life that scares them. When everyone else panics, you remain calm and listen to the small voice inside you that tells you to remain where you are; this winds up saving you. Your ability to stand firm shows courage and faith; you were able to conquer the fear that cripples the people of your community. Because of this, you were able to become larger than the problem itself and come face to face with it. You saw that the problem was not as threatening as everyone thought it was--in the vision it was a young, small person that you can easily talk to (this could symbolize a problem that you can easily manage). You are able to bring this "problem" down to the size of your community. I think this shows that the people's fear was blown out of proportion compared to the size of the problem. After talking with the people of your community, they come to realize the problem is not as big as they thought; it is nothing to fear.
       I guess I can sum this all up to: You overcome a fear that cripples the people around you and eventually prove to those people there is nothing for them to be afraid of.

Old to New Shoes (vision)

      I see you trying on dresses--brand new, fancy, elegant dresses. You are putting on jewels--earrings, necklaces, bracelets. You are looking into a mirror at all aspects of yourself. Leaning across the desktop, you stare into your eyes deeply. You lean back, brushing and fixing your hair. You are all set to go to a ball. As you step out of the house, you realize your feet are cold and look down. You have no shoes on. You run back inside to your closet and open the doors. No shoes. You search, tearing apart your closet, knowing you'll never find any shoes. Just then, a knock at the door. You walk over, head hung low, feet dragging, and open the door. A friend holds out a pair of shoes for you. They are old shoes, worn countless times. At first you consider turning down the offer but figure the old is better than nothing. Changing your attitude, you become very thankful, taking the shoes with pride, dignity, and gratitude, becoming more excited for the ball. As you slip on the shoes, they change into new, sparkling beautiful shoes that match your outfit perfectly. You are ready. You step out of the house confident and glowing with happiness. Tonight you will turn heads--you will be unforgetable.

My interpretation...
      I notice that as you looked in the mirror you weren't being vain but proud of who you are. You thought you were ready to go out, but realized you were missing a very important item. You were determined to find shoes, searching and searching but ending in disappointment. At the moment of greatest despair a friend steps in to rescue you. I think that the shoes could represent faith. Someone offers to help you when you have little or no faith and because of this lack of faith you don't see how they can help. At the point you become thankful for their help, it transforms into something that fits perfectly into your life. Gratitude leads to provision. From what I can tell, God (and pretty much anyone else on Earth) hates to provide for people who grumble, whine, and complain.
      Faith is more of a walk than a blind leap. You had to walk to the closet, and even when you were upset by the outcome of that situation, you walk to the door. From there you walk with your new shoes outside and onto the ball.
      Also, you are a very thrifty person. You make old clothes appear to be the newest, trendiest fashions ever! :) I find it funny that the vision I had of you had a hint of this in it... The old shoes becoming new and a part of your elegant ensemble.

Lamppost In A Storm (vision)

      I see you lying awake in bed. It's a dark night with clouds thickly covering the sky. After tossing and turning, you sit up with the blankets covering your legs. You are wearing a white night gown with long sleeves--the old-fashioned kind. You turn on your light--an old lamp on a bedside table. The light flickers. The wind is blowing hard outside and tree branches--empty, without leaves--scratch at the window. You slide your legs over the side of your bed and slip your feet into soft slippers. You walk to the window and look out. It's a big window--floor to celing-- and you're on the second floor of your house. You see a lamppost down the street with a flickering flame inside the glass panes of the top of the post. It begins to rain--lightly at first, then harder and harder. The light in your room goes out. Following the darkness, lightning flashes several times. The thunder rolls in many seconds later. You are not fearful in the least bit. If anything, you are intrigued and excited.
      You make your way through the dark house and down a winding, stone stairwell that leads outside. You step out into the storm as lightning strikes--thunder follows much quicker than before--yet you don't get wet from the rain. You stand below the enormous, bare tree. You circle it once, twice, three times and begin backing away. Lightning flashes and thunder claps--the lightning is getting closer. You turn around and start walking towards the lamppost. The clouds begin to pull back and the full moon shines down, illuminating your path better. As you approach the lamppost, you notice things you couldn't have seen from your bedroom window. Tree roots are sprouting from the bottom of the post and ivy grows, wrapping around the post. Instead of just one flame, the lamp has three flames in it. You stand next to the lamppost, facing your home.
      Lightning strikes the base of the tree and it it bursts into flames. You sit down at the base of the lamppost and watch the fire consume the tree. Your house remains unscathed. The wind dies down, the lightning and thunder stops, but the rain continues relentlessly. You continue to sit and watch as the flames on the tree die down. When there is hardly any fire left, you walk to the tree's remains. All that is left is a charred stump and dry roots. You shake your head out of sadness. You look to the the moon, your room, then the lamppost. You run up the stairwell, into your room, and into your closet. You pull out a wicker basket and run to the lamppost. You begin to pick off the ivy leaves and place them in your basket. As you pick the leaves, thorns and rosebuds sprout in their place (you don't touch these). When you finish picking all the ivy and your basket is full, you run to the dead tree stump.
      You spread all the ivy onto the stump. The ivy sort of melts into the stump and a new tree begins to grow. Its branches stretch as high as, if not higher than, before. Leaves sprout from these new, healthy limbs. You look to the lamppost. There is one large flame glowing from the top and all the roses are in full bloom. The rain stops and the sky is cloudless.
      Smiling to yourself, you walk to your bedroom. You sit on the edge of your bed, slide off your slippers, swing your legs onto the bed, and pull your covers up. You notice that your lamp has turned back on so you lean over, turn it off, and lay back in bed. You are asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.

My interpretation...
      First off, I'd like to point out that you and your clothes remain unchanged throughout. In all my other visions (there are much more than what I've posted), there was at least one change in at least one article of clothing or other parts of appearance. These changes represent changes in themselves--their attitude, heart, mind, etc. Your vision did not have that. Second, the white nightgown made me think of purity, simplicity, and integrity.
      You remain fearless throughout.
      I have yet to talk to you about this, and I'm sure it'll make more sense when we talk. I'll be honest: I'm kind of confused by the meaning of this.
      I can see that you will be bringing something thought dead back to life (probably on a spiritual or metaphorical level, but you never know).
      I did some research on ivy and found some interesting symbolism. Ivy is usually considered symbolic of friendship and growth. Ivy is durable and can withstand even some of the harshest conditions. It represents determination because it is virtually indestructable--it can survive and grow back even after suffering damage or being cut. Some say it is an example of human character/spirit because of the strength and ability to carry on regardless of setbacks. Ivy grows in spirals which can be seen as expansion and rebirth. This I find most interesting considering the ivy leaves bring back the dead tree.

Doctors

      Only doctors can get away with saying "I'm glad I haven't seen you in a while." They live, after all, by the old saying no news is good news. Obviously no one goes to the doctor just for fun, so it can be assumed something is wrong if they show up at a doctor's office.
      If I was a doctor, I would get sick of people coming in and complaining about their various illnesses. I would also hate to be the one to inform a patient of a terrible disease they contracted.
      I'm glad I'm not God.
      God is a sort of doctor. Too bad we treat Him like one. We often only go to Him when we're sick or when we're in need.
      At least God doesn't require insurance. Imagine... Everyone is praying for a miracle healing over you. Then, you hear a booming voice: "Sorry. You don't have the right insurance. Come back later." What would the price of such insurance be? Then again... There is a price to pay for receiving God's healing--Faith. You have to do the difficult task of abandoning any ideas you have about the ordinary and expecting the extraordinary.
      Instead of calling on God only when we're sick or in trouble, we need to treat Him like a best friend, rather than a doctor. No best friend would (or should) say "I hope I don't have to see you again soon."

Muscles

      There are more than six hundred muscles in the human body (up to eight hundred, depending on who you ask). Some muscles are stronger than others, but they all work together to keep the body moving. They are always there--from the time you are born to the time you die. They can be built up with hard work, but their strength can decrease with the lack of use.
      Recall pysical fitness testing in school. A certain number of sit-ups, push-ups, chin-ups, pull-ups, trunk lifts, and all other sorts of exercises were required in order to receive a passing grade. Of course, now experts are saying that sit-ups really are not effective--and still, school's require this to be one of the tests of strength and endurance. The most hated test of all is the mile run, a test of endurance. In high school P.E., we had to run the mile every week to train for the test at the end of each semester. Whenever I see cross country runners at school, I have to wonder what kind of person actually enjoys running (enough so to run long distances every day).
      Faith and spiritual gifts are like our spiritual muscles. They begin weak, but are strengthened over time and with practice. Without use, they can become weak again, or we can forget their strength and never use them to their full potential.
      For a time, I felt insecure in my faith. I felt that I could not be a witness of the Gospel to anyone because I felt so guilty of past wrongs, so doubtful in my faith. If I couldn't even be a proper Christian, who am I to tell someone else they should be? I realized quickly how wrong that is. For one, no human can ever be perfect. If we were perfect, we wouldn't need a Savior (and then we wouldn't need to be preaching to anyone). I felt that my faith wasn't strong enough to be able to defend it--I was fearful that if I began ministering to someone that they would ask me questions I couldn't answer.
      However, lack of faith is not a reason to avoid ministry because ministry builds faith. The more you practice living your faith, the stronger it becomes. Jesus said in Matthew 17:20 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Now imagine if you had an even greater faith than that!
      It is the same with spiritual gifts--once you know which ones you have, start to practice using them. It takes time to develop the sense of how to use them, but as you use them, they will become stronger and stronger. There may be times where you don't use your gifts much, and you can forget how to use them (or forget you had them in the first place!), but the gifts never leave. Just because you don't use your biceps doesn't mean your biceps go away.
      Throughout your life, the strength of these "spiritual muscles" will be tested. And more importantly, the endurance of the muscles will be tested in trials that last over long periods of time (from days, to weeks, to years). I pray that you will build your faith so it will be strong enough not to be shaken, even in the fiercest trials, and that you can learn how to use your spiritual gifts in mighty ways.