It's Better In the Dark

Last night's late-night musings...

       As I lie here in bed in the dark, distracted from sleep by my stomach's incessant complaining, I've had a surprisingly spiritual moment. It's been a surprisingly spiritual night, actually.

       First, I heard the Lord speak clearer than ever--at least recently, anyway--and I obeyed, despite a throbbing migraine and a fear of what could occur. I had a talk with someone I did not want to talk to. Not exactly an enemy, but I sure was treating her like one. Needless to say, it took great humility, courage, and strength that only God could give.

       An hour or so later, I am here trying to answer life's biggest questions because I can't sleep. I started praying. First for myself--my restlessness, my pain. I started whispering to God. I have found in recent times spoken prayers seem to be more effective. If any of my three roommates heard me muttering, they probably figured delirium had finally set in after my rough week.

       As I moved my prayer focus away from me and on to other people, I started discovering questions. Why can I never fall asleep quickly? Because I'm stressed about not sleeping. Go figure. The more I focus on trying to sleep, the less likely it is for me to do so.

       Then came the bigger questions. When will <major life event> occur? When do I get to <hopes and dreams>? What is God's will for my life? That is the scary question. It is easy enough to ask. It is one of the most common questions God hears besides "Why?", I'm sure.

       But that question is the scariest one to have answered. We always want to know the ending. But when we do, we often are disappointed, surprised, or--sometimes--more confused than before. Sometimes, knowing the answers to life's greatest questions isn't the best thing for us. We always want to know why God "hides" things from us, but I feel like it's because He's protecting us from knowing too much. It's kind of related to the question of "If I know this happens in the future, can I do anything to change it?"

       I have been dating this wonderful guy named Andrew for over a year. Of course, the idea of marriage sounds wonderful. I wanted a vision, a word, or some other form of proof that showed me that Andrew and I would be married (soon, hopefully).

       But then I stopped myself and essentially yelled a huge "Never mind!!" at God. I don't want to know. I mean, I want to know that Andrew and I will be together forever. But what if...?

       I'm trusting God now. I'm trusting that He knows when to reveal to me His plans on His timing. For now, I'm better in the dark.